Great question — answering as the UphillTech team:
Thank you SO MUCH pomsky! I don't know why I didn't find that while googling the issue. Turning secure boot off fixed everything, I am so relieved. Edit: for anyone with a similar issue, I rebooted my computer and pressed the esc key twice when it first turned back on to get to the BIOS menu. Then I turned secure boot off, saved and exited, restarted my computer, and the WiFi worked right away.
Full answer by The Impossible Squish: https://askubuntu.stackexchange.com/a/1078772 (CC BY-SA 4.0).
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